Is This The End?

If you follow our couples blog, you know we have dedicated this year to fertility treatments. If you're not following our couples blog, what are you waiting for? I will be posting personal updates here in the mix of other beauty/lifestyle posts.

I've done the fertility go-round before. 6 rounds of Clomid and progesterone, 1 round of Femara and progesterone. I remember the emotional roller coasters, the weight gain, the monthly heartache that came with a negative pregnancy test, and the strain it put on a marriage. Somehow, over the last 6 years, I had forgotten exactly how hard that was at the time. I had forgotten the random bursts of irritation over the most simple things that wouldn't normally trigger me, the crying for no reason, the depression and anxiety that comes every month during the two-week wait. The reality is, it's not something you can detach from like I had told myself at the beginning of us starting this journey again. There will always be that deep sense of hope inside that you can't ignore, the sense of failure that comes with every negative blood test. And yet, you push through and tell yourself it will be worth it. The pain is temporary, the weight will be lost, and there's always tomorrow. The question is though, when is it enough? When do you accept that fact that this may not happen and maybe it wasn't meant to be? 

We told each other we would give our all for a year. Do everything we could and do the fastest route for a year. Sometimes that year seems like a lifetime when things seem to continue to look down. Between the multiple doctor appointments with so many ultrasounds, shots, a mixture of hormone pills, etc. and getting a negative blood test each month.. it can look grim at times.  My previous 3 treatments on Femara only had the migraine and weight gain (34 lbs to be exact), water retention side effects, this last round was very different. It was our lowest point so far during this journey. I woke up around 3:00 am Saturday in excruciating pain radiating from my knees up into my hips and down through my ankles. I thought it may be my fibrous tissue in my knees acting up again and the pain would subside by morning. Tossing and turning all night, trying to fight the sharp stabbing pains and awful amounts of pressure, I was still in denial that something was wrong and it could possibly be a side effect from the fertility drugs. About 10:00 am Jamie took control of the situation and told me we were going to the ER - despite me not wanting to pay for the adventure and REALLY needing to make my lash appointment at noon. To see his face full of concern, helplessness, and frustration that I was being so stubborn, I knew this would be our downfall. 

A few x-rays, $200 co-pay, and a prescription for pain meds later, we were told that one of the side effects of Femara is joint/muscle/bone pain; this affects 1 in 2 people on the medication. We were sent home and told we just have to wait for the drugs to cycle through my system. The pain meds barely touched the agony I was in, and I am no wuss. I've broken many bones, taken a baseball to the face, and was raised to tough it out. This is when the questions of when is it enough? The internal battle had begun and then verbalized. We all know sh*t gets real when it's said out-loud. 

I knew Jamie would for sure want to be done, no doubt about it. He is the most tender and caring person, and hates seeing me in any type of pain (thus why I tried to tough it out for so long before going to the ER). But I was still not sure what my decision would be. Was the pain that bad to completely stop? Would it only be a couple of days that I would need to push through or would it be weeks before I would feel somewhat normal again? The good news is, we are in the two-week wait to see if this round of treatment worked or not. We have that time to talk through what we would like to do if the blood test comes back negative. Switch back to Clomid? See if there's another alternative we can try? Of course, we are hoping for a positive though. That would solve all of the problems here! 

Regardless of the pain and agony over the last few days, the feeling of hope and desire for a baby is still there to keep us going. The pain is temporary. The weight gain is temporary. It is all but one little bump in the very long road of life. Still not 100% sure on what direction we will go when the results are in, but I am hopeful this isn't the end.